Black memories 

It did not feel taxing, 

the fourth time,

or shameful,

the way 

your hands 

went down

to parts 

of me

even 

I wasn’t 

acquainted with 

yet.
It did not 

scare me 

anymore, 

It did not 

make me 

want to 

leave 

this body.

I had left

already.

This, 

these hands 

and feet 

and these eyes 

are just

vacuum and skin.

I did not 

feel disgust 

the tenth time, 

in that corner 

in the dark.
I did not 

want 

to run away 

I was home.

I did not 

want to escape.

There 

was

none.
I did not 

feel the pain

the seventeenth time,

when 

my mouth 

slit open 

and bled 

from 

too much 

force.

I did not 

feel 

the need 

to wipe the blood 

off my 

thighs.
I did not 

feel the pain

or the sting 

of your nails 

cutting through

the insides 

of me.

As a matter of fact 

I did not 

feel

anything 

at all.

-WANDERER // B l a c k M e m o r i e s 

That different girl.

She was different 

In a world full of selfies, she waited to be clicked 

In a world that idolised bodies, she was beautiful on the inside 

She had a beautiful body that she never complimented with her clothes, she choose baggy t shirts instead, for reasons known to her alone. Her hair rugged brown and tangled, rebellious like her soul. She was difficult to understand, unlike the people of her generation, open like a book. She choose to let the world go astray, hoping that somebody would find their way back to reality. 

She was like art, you could not really make sense of her, but she made you feel something, you couldn’t explain. 

She was the girl that kept the fire burning inside people who were losing their light. 

She was the girl without make up, messing up her clothes on a rainy day on a football field. 

She was a coffee person, with a book. 

She would rather be at a lake than be at a movie. 

In a world where everybody wanted to have a pretty face, what she wanted was a beautiful mind. She was the rebel who choose her own way, she knew she wouldn’t be loved very much for the way she was, shabby and wild, she made her choice anyway. 

She knew that someday, somebody would look beyond the tangles of her messy hair.

Someday somebody would see a side of her no one has seen very often, someday somebody would see that she was the most beautiful when she tamed herself down for a privileged few to see. 

Wildling.

And what else? I can’t go on, I find myself speechless when it comes to her, but I want to talk about her for hours. She’s like the ocean you know? A mixture of Rage and serenity. She pulls you inside her with so much ease and love, you lose yourself, you lose control and the best part? You don’t mind. Perhaps that’s how I lost myself into her.

She is whole in herself. She is content. She needs nobody to complete her, yet she completes everybody half hearted she meets. Perhaps that’s how my heart dwells in her, she’s a stealer, the good kind.

She is simple, No pretence, no faking, no make up, no dress up. 

She is so simple and I can’t get my eyes off her when she smiles, with all the happiness in her eyes, her face glows. It’s like the sun looks down on her smile and finds its sunlight. 

What else can I tell you. I could go on about her.. but I can’t do justice with mere words.

Do you know how we end up being silent when we gaze at a sky full of stars? it’s so beautiful, that you don’t even want to talk, just stay there and look and fill yourself up with life?

that’s what she does to me”

The understanding of Love.

Don’t sugarcoat love. It is not always the splendid feeling that gives you butterflies in the stomach. In fact, I don’t think it is the butterflies at all. I think love is the sanity that a person brings in your life and not the increase of a heartbeat, cold sweats and nervousness. I think Love is the ease in every sense that nestles in you.

Love is not the rainbow after a storm, sometimes it is the storm itself. It is the twig stuck in your foot that pricks while you walk and sometimes it is the pleasantly dull sky during summer. Love does not make you uncomfortable and uneasy, it is the essence of home, peace and content. It is not always exquisite and on some days the wind may blow stronger and make you stumble but that does not mean it isn’t true or strong. It simply implies that like humans love too is precarious, not in a bad way but it wavers.

It is like an ocean that on one side emits serenity and is the complete expression of perfection but on the other, it brews a colossal storm. It comes along with it challenges and demands of us a commitment. Love is a journey and you cannot make home on the way, but you have to take home along, wherever you go.

I think Love is strong, stronger than every other feeling, or theory that exists and I believe that Love prevails over everything. Love is meeting love and feeling a sense of comfort no other can give. It does not make you want to put up a facade of makeup or pretence, but it is the feeling that makes you tear down every mask and be naked in the soul before the one. It makes you want to be true. It makes you want to be yourself before them knowing that you won’t be judged whatsoever. It is the understanding that time although less is the most beautiful of all. It is the feeling of satisfaction in silence and the specialness in the mediocrity of simply being in bed together scrolling through social media giggling at pleasantries. Love does not require expensive dates and presents. Love is in the flower from the street and handwritten notes. Love is not in the aesthetics and the words but in simple deeds. It is in the hug of appreciation or the random kiss in the middle of a movie. It is the late night random text that says I miss you, instead of the long poetic posts on social media that are rather only a search for validation of a superficial infatuation.

Love is not awkward, shy hugs. It is the leap in the arms of the one and the fall thereafter. It is the laughter about flaws and the battles against fear, together. Love is friendship. It is the aftermath of the battle together and the nightmares too.

The truth is, if love makes you feel content it is going to hurt just as much, because it simply matters, and anything that differs from this, is a lie.

 

-WANDERER // Marlyn Pereira