Its difficult sometimes.
To have a normal conversation without having to think about how it will end up six months later. I constantly have a fear shadowing my words in a conversation with somebody new because I’m constantly under the weight of all that was done to me. Everybody, every ‘friend’ who wronged me is the reason why today I cannot make a new one without evaluating a thousand times the outcomes and the aftermaths and in the end I simply let it go. I promised myself I wouldn’t let the past be a wall, or a clog in my nerve but the thing about the past is that it always is.
Life is like a thread, when we break to come together again we need to build up a knot, and that knot is the past. Something you cannot undo or un-see.
I believe these knots have always been a clog in my veins. A symmetrically planned trap for me, to fall, fall into a kaleidoscope of a thousand mayhems, while clarity, smiles like a distant dream from a Sunday afternoon nap. One that you superstitiously wish came true.
But fear won’t let me get to clarify and I have no idea how to invoke darkness to make the shadows go away. I don’t know how to face the ‘new’ while I am still learning to let go of the ‘old’ and like a rusted piece of metal, I am eroding, slowly everyday in silence,
asking myself how did I forget to simply have a conversation?