I have always been the kind of person who runs away from people. I won’t call myself anti social, but for the lack of words, I am anti social (not in the literal sense of it, but in a sense that I am not a fan of being around people).
Of course I do have friends, a few of them, and I do like company but I find being social very often, exhausting. Whenever I engage in being social, I find myself battling with the idea of what they think I am and my true self and I find myself in a dilemma.A dilemma if I should be what they think or assume I am, align with their idea of me, or bring to the table what I truly am.
Fears from the past restrain me. The fear of not being accepted for the kind of person that I am, for a difference in perspective, for an opinion and so on. The fear of exclusion shadows me all the time and I refrain from being around people. I find it exhausting that I have to change in order to have company, and that I have to be something else, someone else, diverge from my core.
After a long time, of conforming and altering, I was tired, tired to the extent that I did not even recognise myself anymore. One morning I looked into the mirror and I recognised the face, the freckles, the skin, but what I didn’t seem to recognise were my eyes. They were a different black. They gave me a feeling that made me realise I had become a stranger to myself. Everyday from then on, I worked towards finding who I was. It was a painful path, one that I was very tempted to give up, but I choose otherwise.
My journey towards finding myself began with me doing things I loved to do, writing, singing, dancing to random music, taking walks by the beach, and eventually I realised I didn’t want this journey to end. Finding a new part of me everyday was beautifully enticing.
Today I don’t need to look at myself to recognise myself because I know who I am, and i know where I belong. I don’t belong with people who cannot accept me the way I am. I don’t belong where I am asked to change, and if that means I don’t belong anywhere but with myself, I’m glad I have only myself to be with.