I’ve been bipolar. Not in the literal sense. I have been feeling extreme emotions at two different ends. “Is it normal to feel two different emotions, simultaneously” I kept asking myself.
I have been perfectly happy and I’ve been depressed. It has happened so many times now, it somehow oddly fits in. It was as if one side of my world was euphoria and the other was in state of chaos. Complete and utter chaos. For a long time I was paralysed, not knowing what I should be doing to fix it, or should I be fixing it at all.
For a long time, all I could do was go through it. The mayhem seemed never ending. I had almost accepted that lucidity is not going to be granted to me, until it finally was. I was granted clarity and when I did I realised that there was no other way out of this confusion, this chaos, but to go through it. I also realised that the reason for feeling different simultaneously, the reasons were different too. Once it was crystal clear I began to evaluate all what caused this chaos and I began to cut away everything that I deemed didn’t belong in my vicinity.
I didn’t want to taint the aura, the lucidity I had been granted after what felt like forever. When everything came clear before my eyes, I began to see that the only reason I was depressed was because I had rooted myself in soil that didn’t help me grow at all. It poisoned me instead. I had to find another home, but I also realised I already had one.
I was home, on the other side, where euphoria was not fraudulent, I was home. It was where I belonged. In a place where I was appreciated, love, accepted.
I started to leave, leave every place that poisoned me, or even places where remnants of that poison persisted.
I cleared my mind and I made a decision that all I needed now, was growth. In the process of being everywhere, with everyone, for everyone I realised I had been nowhere. I cut off the ones who made me align in according to their idea of me. I cut off from the one side that tainted my canvas. I wanted a beautiful picture. I wanted my life to be full of positivity and only I could do it.
So I simply left, I left the places, people, minds, hearts, I left everything that weighed me down. I let go
and once I did it was the easiest thing in the world.
-WANDERER. || MARLYN PEREIRA