“Its 11.12 am
Am I too late?”
I reluctantly make my wish anyway.
“This is rubbish. Nothing is going to come out of this. It’s all rubbish”
Censuring myself and my naive brain I force myself to fall asleep. Somehow you’re still around. I can feel you lingering behind the curtains, I can feel you move through the walls.
“I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy ” I silently scream.
“You’re just a black dog. Just an illusion. You’re in my head” I feel the rage coming back. The fury is overwhelming and I cannot curb it anymore.
It demands to be out. It is screaming inside me I can hear it from my core to my ears. I think im going to be deaf soon.
I wake up, hastily, looking for an escape, a pen, a tool. SOMETHING.
Help me somebody help me get it out.
I find a pen, I try to word him down, the fury. I think his name is Seth, at least that is what he says. I try to write his words down so I can show them to Dr. Brooke tomorrow morning. She doesn’t believe me I have to show her proof. She says its in my head and I need to stay on pills and continue therapy.
I write his words down anyway
He says Rachel, why are you wearing pants. You know I don’t like pants. Behave like the woman you are. Are you a bitch. Are you a slut. Dont act like those girls on the streets. Be a lady. Let me show you what a lady looks like.
Just as soon as I finish writing he takes my hand with the pen in it and tries to cut off my pants, cut them short.
He says let’s play pretend in my head and I succumb like I always do. There is no control over this. I give in. I give into Seth.
He says hes going to teach me to love what he does next. I think I already do,
because after I do this. He finally shuts his trap. He finally loses his voice.
So I let him do what he does to me.
I let him take the pen and hurt my wrist, hurt it as much as he can, and I bleed.
The gush of relief fills me, the gush of blood fills my lap, stains my white pants he cut short. I lay there feeling delivered from this demon inside.
I whisper to myself “it’s going to be okay Rachel. It’s going to be okay.
He’s gone. Seth is gone.
It’s going to be okay until he returns”
I wake up to Dr.Brooke standing above me staring at my eyes as if she has seen a horror movie and hasn’t slept all night.
She lifts me up from the floor, apparently I had passed out last night. I stare at my hand, and it doesn’t hurt.
The bleeding has stopped but it doesn’t hurt anymore. I look at her, questions in those blue eyes. I hate questions in blye eyes.
There is something wrong I sense it.
I don’t know what, until she questions me.
“Why did you do it Rachel.
Why did you hurt yourself?
Haven’t you been taking your pills?”
I look away, guilt in my eyes, guilt from throwing them up. “I retched them out” I whisper
Dr. Brooke sighs, “take her to my cabin” she says
They grab me by both my arms and drag me, I try to push them away and I run into falls. I don’t know why but I’m running into walls ,through and through them. The fury rises and I try to strike Dr Brooke. I hit the wall instead.
I scream in anger and I run to find a way out but I guess I’m stuck. I run to the bars and I look around. The guard is staring at me. I scream “let me out I hate them, theyre gonna get me again, let me out” he turns away, disdain in his eyes. I cannot contain this fury
I turn around. “Do or die” I say in my mind, to my surprise,
I turn around to an empty room
I fall to the floor where my broken watch is, I look outside the window
the sun is in the sky
I guess I’m on time.
They’re not going to return,
until they do.
-WANDERER // Multiple Personality disorder